Reason

by rain

I must admit today, when I didn't see my loved one few hours after I woke up, I got panic. I didn't expect that I have to call my supervisor that soon, and I only had around 4 hours to do so. I roamed around internet trying to seek consolation while thinking, if my lover was there with me, what would she say, what would she want me to do. Then on the peak of my nervousness I crouched under the water inside the shower cubicle for the longest time of my life, I guess. And laugh please~ for I looked totally desperate while mumbling Neil Dylandy's line in episode 23 Gundam 00 season 1:

Nani attendarou na, ore wa... Kedo na, koitsu wa yaranakya, kataki wo toranakya... ore wa mae ni susumene... Sekai to mou mukiaene... Dakara sa... Neraiutsu ze!!!
(What am I doing here... But unless I take care of him, and get my revenge... I can't move on... I can't face the world... That's why... I'll shoot you down!!!)

It sounds weird, my own way to self-hypnotize myself by chanting a monologue. But I felt I can't moved on and faced my world if I kept on dwelling on my problem. That's why I had to put an end on that. I had to be brave enough to do that myself, because I've learned enough that not everyone is willing to help, and not everyone who is willing to help is always available for me when the situation becomes critical. And when my loved one appeared on my sight, I was relieved. My love exactly said those words as I thought she would say. And I felt like when the time came and I had to face things, my love will be right behind me, ready to catch me if I got punched and gave a support during my fight. I was thinking I was sort of a hero and a zero. A hero who tried to fight her way through, but also a zero because she realised for the first time in her life that she did things because she wanted to, not because others were forcing her to do so. And my love gave me all those insights. When I finished fighting, I looked behind me and saw my love gave me a warm "welcome home" hug.