Happy Birthday!

by joey

Happy Birthday 22nd lovey~ All the things that I give to you are still not enough to show how thankful I am. You're always my ossan. XD *hugs and kisses* Wish you more birthdays to come, love. I love you~

Sunday; April 19, 2009 / 1:05 PM

A Story

by rain

I'm a wolf with almond colored hairs and emerald eyes. I've been traveling down the road, roaming around streets, conquering places on this earth. All to satisfy myself. One night I saw a young girl, with purple silky hair and dim red eyes, sparkling under the moonlight and walking on tip toes accross the thousand-colored flowers meadow.

A wolf is a loner creature. They do have a pack. But some chooses to be alone. Like I did. But that night I realised what is the real meaning of loneliness, because I thought the loneliness herself galloping in front of my eyes. I greeted that girl.

She asked, "O, wolf, where are you heading to?"

I answered, "To paradise, my own paradise"

And her eyes spoke, asking if my paradise is far. I said I don't know, that I even don't know how is my paradise look like. But along with her fragrance and heartless kindness, I said I might find out my paradise if she comes along.

And the moon extingushed, the meadow turned into a cold, ruthless storm of empty desert. The girl ran away and I came after her. I searched for her shadow in long, dark river. I wondered if she waltzed above the clouds. There were times I found her, but then she ran again. When my might drained out and I collapsed on an empty snow, only then she came out. She finally supported me and here we are now, having each other. She's mine and I'm hers.

Searching my paradise is a very long, long journey. But I wonder now if I'm truly searching for it, because what I want is to be with her. Will she be happy when I can give her the paradise I'm searching for? And then my girl with her dim red ruby eyes is also going to strive with me. She sees paradise, her own paradise, down the long road of life journey. Whenever she sleeps I hope she will get to her paradise soon. Sometimes I also scared if in the end, our paradises are different, and the way branched.

Emerald and ruby. When you put the together perhaps you'll find a very sharp contrast, but both of them shines gracefully. I can't see my reflection right now, to make sure if my eyes still preserve their emerald glow. I don't know anymore what to strive for, why I have to fight. While only clinging to my girl to head to her paradise might be other form of greed and cruelty. At least, I want to set her free. And I want to keep my heart free. As free as a loner wolf, who never be a hindrance to any other creature, especially my girl with silky purple hair and dim ruby eyes...

by joey

After two days that lovey went back to Indonesia, I finally got lovey's first text (though it was from okaa-sama's number lol). I received it a few minutes after I woke up and I can't wake up any better unless it was the real person whom I'll wake up beside to. I miss her. *smiles* Till then, *yawns* I need my nap. *grins*

Sent: 24-Feb-2009 / 07:25:59 Indonesian Time

Totoro

by rain

I seriously need a Totoro which can transport me back and forth to everywhere I please. Preferably a Totoro with the speed of concorde. I want to go to lovey's house. Because I can't sleep. Snuggle with lovey will surely be very comfy. I want to talk with lovey without YM or texts. I surely will need a Totoro. I want Totoro. Now.

My Valentine

by rain

Hihihihi...

Happy Valentine's day~! I'm really happy to celebrate my first "not-single" Valentine's day with lovey. I never really celebrate Valentine's day before, but this time I will celebrate happily with my dearest Joey. Let this Valentine's day be a piece of our big memories of being together, and let everyday becomes our Valentine's day~!

An Arrow

by joey

Happy Valentine's Day! *grins* Our first Valentine's day with someone special to share it with and I'm happy that it's with you.

Arashi!

by rain

Spending time with my lovey is sure enjoyable~! After get mild food poisoning on Monday, I have all the more reason to take things easy. Although I kinda missed watching Code Geass with lovey, and playing online Go too, I think I won't do that till the end of this week. The reason is quite lame: to prevent excessive stress, but at least there are plenty of other things to do, like hunting silly videos of Arashi in Youtube. Especially the stupidity of Aiba and over eccentricity of "leader" Ohno. I think being silly, overly lazy and 'baka' sometimes is not a bad thing *grins*

Vacation

by joey

After leaving CR, my internet world broadened and I'm finally learning about new sites and trying out different communities. I would have to say that I miss CR because of the people I know there and the easy navigation and overall site design. XD But the fact of the matter is, I'm enjoying my time together with my love and I am in no hurry to end it. This only means that CR will have to wait until I finally am ready to go back. *grins*

Just wanted to blabber here. XD Till next time. :)

Bond

by rain

This morning I checked my CR inbox because Miri left a message, an answer of my PM yesterday. I was quite surprised that she was not being talky as usual. It was a very mature answer and I was happy with that. She just said good luck and not being draggy by asking me to come back there. But Qiella didn't say anything. I kind of expected it actually. She did a very good job of being mature and being a support after such big blows in her life. But she is still very naive and sweet. Maybe in 3 or 4 days I'll contact Miri to ask if my little Setsuna is alright, if there is still no respond. My goodbye was a silent one, and indeed I didn't intend to make a big fuss. Only Miri and Qiella, after Joey, are the ones I'm worrying about there. Maybe I'll be back. Maybe not. But it's a later talk.
I don't want to play a hero this time. I admit doing all of this is because my selfish thoughts too. Who likes to be insane person who always get irritated and mad without any reason? So it goes, and I tried to cut off a source of my unexplainable acts lately. After that talk with my lovey, I snapped out of my dark thoughts. It was lack of trust from my side. For the whole my life, I've been trying so hard not to trust others easily because basically I'm a very naive person. And I saw examples of how naive people will be trampled over, tricked and burdening others... at least in my version. So I tried not to be. Even in a very small things, like group task for school. I always did all work, simply because I didn't trust that others can do better. I let my arrogancy and distrust leads my way for years. And before I realised, I hurt many people by doing that. I was really thankful that finally my lovey pointed that out. And I really want to learn about trust, the first time in my life, consciously, with my own choice. Probably... this is a way where I can love my lovey fully. And I want to do so because I love my lovey with all my imperfections and tiny love. Thank you lovey for broadening my vision. I will try to be a better person and better lover for you.

Very Merry Monthsary for my Fairy~

by rain

My lovey, happy monthsary for you too~

... No more worries about that. I also lacked of composure that time. Maa, kinisuruna. Bokutachi wa ningen da yo. We are humans, not to make any excuses with being human, but we accepted that as our humanity as well as take lessons from it. Don't think about "not repeating" but lets thinking about how we develop more trust to each other, like that lovely song in your superbly-made video. *grins* arigatou lovey...

Kimi no usaru~

92 Days of Walking Together

by joey

My Love, Happy Monthsary!

It's been 3 months lovey and it's been tough, but always remember that I love you no matter what happens. Never did we have such a fight before and I'm not sure if we won't repeat the same mistakes again, but I will try my best to hold on too. I give to you this video as a small token of my love and I hope that we will be like them, not literally but more on the bond that they shared. Again, I love you and I always will.

Love,

Your Fairy

Lockon Stratos

by rain

A complex existence. Who were truly selfless, but also selfish to the core. Who didn't blabber too much about his heart, but also brutally exposing his wound with almost-suicidal last fight. Who always considered other's feelings and tried to help them, but also hurting others so deeply with his death. I'm not half as good as Lockon Stratos. But one thing I know: we are both human.

Trust you

by rain

Hmm.. honestly I don't really know what to write. I'm still a bit dazed from wake up unusually early, and I have to resume my work soon. Maybe this is just an attempt for conditioning XD Uh, by the way, I'm kinda addicted to the song "Trust You" by Itou Yuna now. I hope the full version will be released very soon. I really want to get the complete lyrics especially the early part which is pretty quick... But I still love the rest which close to the reffrain.

... Dakishimeta kimi no kakera ni

Itami kanjite mou mada

Tsunagaru kara, shinjiteru yo, mata aeru to

I'm waiting for your love

I love you, I trust you...

Kimi no kodoku wa wakete hoshii

I love you, I trust you...

Hikari demo yami demo

Futari dakara, shinjiaeru no....

Hanasanaide

Reason

by rain

I must admit today, when I didn't see my loved one few hours after I woke up, I got panic. I didn't expect that I have to call my supervisor that soon, and I only had around 4 hours to do so. I roamed around internet trying to seek consolation while thinking, if my lover was there with me, what would she say, what would she want me to do. Then on the peak of my nervousness I crouched under the water inside the shower cubicle for the longest time of my life, I guess. And laugh please~ for I looked totally desperate while mumbling Neil Dylandy's line in episode 23 Gundam 00 season 1:

Nani attendarou na, ore wa... Kedo na, koitsu wa yaranakya, kataki wo toranakya... ore wa mae ni susumene... Sekai to mou mukiaene... Dakara sa... Neraiutsu ze!!!
(What am I doing here... But unless I take care of him, and get my revenge... I can't move on... I can't face the world... That's why... I'll shoot you down!!!)

It sounds weird, my own way to self-hypnotize myself by chanting a monologue. But I felt I can't moved on and faced my world if I kept on dwelling on my problem. That's why I had to put an end on that. I had to be brave enough to do that myself, because I've learned enough that not everyone is willing to help, and not everyone who is willing to help is always available for me when the situation becomes critical. And when my loved one appeared on my sight, I was relieved. My love exactly said those words as I thought she would say. And I felt like when the time came and I had to face things, my love will be right behind me, ready to catch me if I got punched and gave a support during my fight. I was thinking I was sort of a hero and a zero. A hero who tried to fight her way through, but also a zero because she realised for the first time in her life that she did things because she wanted to, not because others were forcing her to do so. And my love gave me all those insights. When I finished fighting, I looked behind me and saw my love gave me a warm "welcome home" hug.

Sanctuary

by joey

"My life is suddenly worth living simply because I have someone else to share it with."

-jackie12

As I was reading my twin brother's blog, I saw this quote. Ever since I found that special person, my pessimistic thoughts lessened. I admit, lessened because I'm still human who have doubts and fears but the amount of solemnity I felt was beyond comparison. A second home, if not the first. Remembering that time, indeed I accepted that my life was something that I should treasure, and said, "I finally found my reason to live.".

Weak Memory

by joey

I used to hate it when I'm studying something and then forget most of it the next day. That's why I don't like subjects that requires memorization, like History. But I realized how much of a blessing it can be. I'm happy having a trait that makes me forget moments in time that hurt me, without letting me forget the lesson I learned from that experience. Was it really my forgetfulness? Or is this thing just called being numb? I don't know, only that I am thankful that I found a pitiful way to survive.

Support

by rain

I think I finally understand what my mom told me around 2 years ago, about how tired it is to be a "support". I never saw her with a best friend or trusted friend. And I wonder how painful is that. But it seems I understand now, even I'm sad... that I understand it more than 20 years earlier than her.

Fireflies

There was a small stream near my house in my hometown. At dark nights, almost only the sound of the stream audible... and also several fireflies glowing in the air. Now that stream is no more, and the soft light of those fireflies are replaced by neon lamps. I always missed those fireflies, my friends, wondering if they fly somewhere far away. I've got to know a certain firefly... no, more like a fairy that glows in the dark like Tinkerbell. The firefly's soft light is calming people's heart in the dark nights, in loneliness. An old samurai in Samurai Champloo said fireflies are glowing to attract its mate. And I think my special firefly is not only attract its soulmate, or lover or whatever, but my firefly also attracts the lonely soul. The same soul as my firefly. But now my firefly is not alone. A lot of friends come... and I hope those are indeed a good friend for my firefly...

Makahiya

by joey

I approach and it clams up, making me step back out of shock. "Sensitivity it is.", that's what I thought. I don't think it's bad, after all that awareness is something that it needed to protect itself. Such a pretty flower it's sprouting and colorful green leaves that it can't help but attract everyone yet it itself cannot handle the pressure of all the attention. I watch from a distance and smile, waiting for it to open it's shut leaves again. And when it does, it will be even more beautiful than it was before.

Mimosa pudica (Sensitive Plant) [pudica = shy], is a creeping annual or perennial herb often grown for its curiosity value: the compound leaves fold inward and droop when touched, re-opening within minutes. The species is native to South America and Central America, but is now a pantropical weed. In Bangla, this is known as 'Lozzaboti', the shy virgin. And "Makahiya" in the Philippines.

Roles

by rain

I always believe that everyone was born to a certain role in life. And perhaps, mine is indeed as someone who take care of others. But I'll make a difference. I want to be "useful" and not to be "used". Yosh~!

Self consciousness

I cried again. Sobbing again in front of my counselor and I wonder why the hell I did that. And I told him how I wonder who I am. How I don't know why did I be so sarcastic to the one I love, why I purposefully try to get revenge to other. My tears didn't stop coming out while I muttered, "I don't know myself"

Red String of Fate

by joey

A stretch of string or thread that connects soulmates or fated lovers no matter how far they are from each other. The most romantic ideal of having someone truly meant for you, that you do not need to search because surely, you will meet the person tied to the other end. No matter what travails or trials that arise, it will not prevent such destined meeting. There's just something on my mind, how can such a strong bond be compared to a piece of string? I guess love is what makes it inevitable.

An invisible red thread connects those who are destined to meet,
regardless of time, place, or circumstance.
The thread may stretch or tangle,
but it will never break.

Delicate

by rain

Born in rabbit year, I often wondering if I will survive this world with all my sensitivity. Sounds like I'm complaining a lot to God for my own existence. For my weakness whenever there are nobody around me physically. For the easiness to break down in a slight sign of conflict. For my quirks: brushing people off while I'm in need. And the easiness to see all things negatively... turning all my dissapoinments for subtle revenge. Maybe I'm punished for my strange hobby to "test" if people are willing to be my friends or not by doing harsh things to them. Then some days I realised it was not merely a purposefully-done-actions. I hurt the one so dear to me. It has become my habit. Or maybe even worse, I was born as a sadist. An old man in Kino no Tabi movie said "Men doesn't always need to achieve something to make his life meaningful" ... Maybe my existence makes some people like my lover (or maybe my parents) happy. But does anyone happy with half-broken person? Maybe not. I want to do something, at least for my lovey, so she feels appreciated. But I even don't know what to do to save my own ass. The knight seems to lost her wits.

Chocolates

by joey

I've noticed recently that whenever I eat chocolates, something bad happens. Mostly with the ones that I love. Some moments are traumatic that it tends to overlap and cover the other incidents. Guess what? I ate again today. And as predicted, misunderstandings did happen and it was hard. I've loved chocolates since I was young, I grew up always having one in our fridge, but these incidents keep bugging me that the idea of not eating chocolates during the start of my day is constantly entering my head. The only good thing is that those misunderstandings are solved before the day ends. But I still worry, what if someday we can't fix it? What if someday I'll sleep alone? But I'm sure of one thing, if I can prevent these things by staying away from chocolates, I'll gladly do so for the one I love.

-a day when we're broken-

i wish..

by rain (sorry for flood LOL)

... strangely I wish it was heavy disease, cancer or anything. Strangely I wish that I just met a newbie doctor who'll give me bunch of sleeping pills once I gave consent.

1st post desu~!

by rain

Hmm.. today was a very bright day. I always love how the sunlight reflected by the white snow. There are some small things that happened during my way to supermarket. A huge dog barked on me while the young lady who owns it grins sheepishly to me. And I just let out a warm chuckle as usual (although I was quite scared of that Beethoven-like-giant dog LOL), and greet good morning back to a neat old man behind that lady, maybe her dad. Few steps further, I spotted a part timer guy who wore a worn out bag (like his face) with large "Winter Olympics, Sapporo 1992" and a japanese flag on it. I grinned because I remember one of my primary school friend who gave me a pretty stamp with samurai picture on it and the text was "Sapporo '92".... I kept on grinning while reminiscing my past, wondering where are my old friends now. And well, surprisingly today, I met many Indonesians on the way... Indonesian families with kids and babies. I want babies... And I missed my lovey.